I am noticing the make-up of my circle of friends is subtly changing. Over the last year there are less and less horsey people in my life. Obvious really - as my horse died last November. Horses have been in my life since I was 4. They have never scared me, even when I have been flying through the air heading towards the hard dirt, or been trodden on, or bitten. I seemed to take it all in my stride. I loved and trusted them, regardless.
My dream of owning a horse only came true when I was old enough to make the dream come true myself. All those letters to Santa were ignored, and the pleading to my father that a horse for me would be a much better idea than another motorbike for him fell on deaf ears.
Owning my first horse, Lady, ended after only 4 years. Following a year of treatment and finally being given the all-clear, the cancer returned. At that point I pushed horses and anything horsey out of my life and concentrated on making the love of my life happy. That proved impossible and I became ill. It wasn't until a trip to see my bestest, oldest school friend on the birth of her first baby that it was pointed out to me that the reason I was ill was that there were no horses in my life. She made me promise to start horse riding again. I did. I got better, healthier and happier. I also found my next horsey purchase - a 16.1hh Hanoverian ex-show jumping chestnut mare. With her I had the longest and happiest relationship I've ever had. 13 years of unconditional love (from me) and begrudging acceptance (from her).
My fear since November has been that I would become ill again. Although I have been riding a couple of times since, I have not cut horses out of my life like last time. After all I have a loft FULL of horse paraphernalia. What I have found this time is the void in my life is being filled - with art.
The make-up of my friends is moving from horsey types to arty types. All still animal lovers, but with art as the main focus of their world.
Yesterday was a case in point, spending time with my newest friend, whilst waiting for my car to sail through its MoT (actually if it sailed it would have failed ha ha ha). We chatted about love, life, networking, business, home ownership, decorating, car ports, gardens, but mostly - about work.
But this wasn't like the old days of sitting around talking about work which would always end up with me feeling angry, frustrated, deflated and reaching for a bottle of the strong stuff as I despaired about the office politics (with a small and capital P). No, this ended with me feeling inspired, invigorated, motivated, happy and anxious to write it all down before my ideas slipped away.
I am missing my horse, it is true. But I find that I am missing her, specifically, not horses in general. I am also finding that my new life and career choice has meant that I am feeling fulfilled, challenged, in control, happy and comfortable. I still reach for a bottle - but not to numb the pain.
As my business continues to grow I may even be able to back up all of those things, which are wonderful in their own right, with wealth. That would be a dream come true.
In the meantime I have never been this happy before. I have creative support, financial support, the space and time to pursue any avenue that gives me inspiration and then put it into action.
During our discussion yesterday, my friend and I both realised that continued study, learning and developing was another area that was very important to us both. I have decided that this time next year I want to study Art, perhaps more specifically 'History of Art'. This will help keep me inspired in my own field, as I know that I take inspiration from different areas and the art world is a huge ocean of inspiration.
I do not want to draw or sculpt, but to learn more about the artists, their backgrounds, their lives, their inspiration, the meanings and symbolism in their work. I also like the idea of this being structured and I also like the idea of continuing in education after I graduate.
I now have a plan - is it a business plan? Sort of. It wont get me a loan from the bank - but what it does give me is peace, tranquility, hope, joy and sanity.
This is what happens when you surround yourself with people who 'get you' - they see things the way you do and this helps clear pathways for you to explore. For too long in my life those pathways have been covered with brambles, weeds and fallen trees - sometimes not even visible. Now I can see them all and, like a child in a sweet shop, I just need to pick my favourite.
And, as my sister knows, my favourites are pink shrimps.
Happiness.
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